How I feel...

So yall I swear I'm not trying to be depressing Jane lately. (this note is to the few faithful remaining folk that still might frequent this little rambling blog I've had lately.)

The problem is things have been hard lately. So when I want to talk about something insightful or funny or whatever... anything not bitter and depressing, it just doesnt seem natural or believable. But I'm trying, I swear.

Have you ever been in one of those points where nothing seems to be going right? Well, thats not quite the funk I'm in. I'm actually in one thats even more cruel. It's one of those things where everything seems like it's going right. Almost like you're killing the heck out of a good game of Jenga... thinking like you're the man, cant nobody stop you, and all of a sudden.... one piece falls. And you think, oh thats ok, cuz its just one piece, but everything else is fine. And right after you say that.... ALL THE PIECES come crumbling to the floor. And then you build it again, cuz you believe in perseverance and all that good stuff... and the same thing happens. One piece falls, you think you're good, and then WHAM! They all come falling down... and the evil, evil cycle continues.

Yeah I've been playing that grand game of Jenga for the past couple months now... and I'm tired. I'm tired of things seeming like they're great and then woops! FOOLED YA! Tired of meeting guys, getting to know them for a couple weeks and then BAMN, nothing. Tired of getting to the 2nd and 3rd round of job interview/application processes and then getting that ever-wonderful email or call politely stating that while they thought I was oh so great, they've decided to go with someone else.

I'm just tired. And I'm doing a lot of questioning. Questioning why I took the loans to go to Georgetown instead of the free ride at Howard. Was it pride? Did I not think Howard was good enough? Did I really hear God's voice when I was praying all that time about the situation? Was it worth it?

Questioning my part in all the messed up guy situations. All the guys cant be losers, so that means, its something with me, right? But what? Sure I have baggage. Who doesnt? But what is it about me that draws them in only for them to say, nah never mind. I guess the same thing could be said in the job arena.

And then I go to church. And it seems like every sermon (whether I'm going to my church in MD or visiting Metropolitan to hear my pastor from home preach) is about not giving up, making it through the struggle period, not losing your faith, and trusting that God is bringing you through it even when you cant see it. And I feel bad, because I believe it... but I dont know if I believe it enough, because I question. OFTEN. And then I wonder if my questioning is holding me back.

So anyway, all that to say. I'm trying y'all. But thats why the posts have been infrequent. I dont have the great cynicism and wit to speak on everyone like Mikey does in http://thecynicalones.blogspot.com and my life's not as exciting as Charreah in http://queentobe.blogspot.com and I dont have the funny mommy stories of Niki in http://mamasgotmoxie.blogspot.com/. So if you come here and there's nothing new, check out those people. They're great!!! Until I dont have bitterness to write though, this may become a fashion/beauty post type blog. We'll see.

PS. Check out How I Feel by Kelly Clarkson... really good! :)