Like You'll Never See Me Again...

I'm supposed to be telling you guys about the awesome weekend I just had. I had it all planned out, how I was going to write the post and everything. I was going to cover the intricate details of how it felt to hang out with my boss/ new-found BFF and her older sister in New Jersey/Philly, the joy of getting a very unique, handmade, probably last of its specific kind-clutch purse by Nneka Hurley (designer extraordinaire), and the amazing feeling of FINALLY getting a pair of boots that went over my enormous calfs. I had planned all of that. I was going to do a little expose on the whole thing, introduce yall to Nneka (courtesy of my great networking skills), and finally bring some positivity back to this blog without it being a beauty post.

What I was not going to do was talk about the most amazing guy I'd met in awhile and how I was starting to fall for him after less than a month's time. I wasnt going to talk about it because I didnt want to jinx it, didnt want those jenga blocks to come falling down again (see post a couple scrolls down). But that should have been the plan all along. I should have been shouting to the top of my lungs how this guy who was so far from anyone I ever said I wanted had me sprung, but in a good way. This guy who told me 2 weeks ago that he could see spending the rest of his life with me and while that scared him, he was so excited to see it happen. This beautiful 25 yr old man who looked into my eyes and was able to read me from day one, who complimented enough that I believed him, but not too much for it to be annoying; who wanted nothing more from me than for me to be open and honest with him and give him a chance to show me what love that doesnt hurt could be about.

But instead of getting on here and writing about it or making those plans with him, I hesitated. Sure, I realized that everytime he called or texted, I got this ridiculous-ly high school smile on my face or when I talked about him, there was just this glow. But the thing is when you've been hurt before, those things frighten you just as much as they make you happy. Here, I had this guy tellling me everything I said I wanted to hear (from saying that he wasnt dating to date anymore, but that he was looking for his partner to him declaring to me a week ago that he was cleaning out his closet of girls for me, because the ones he had didnt serve too much of a purpose before me and certainly didnt now that he'd met me), and I got uncomfortable everytime he said something like that. Not because it was bad, but because it was good, almost too good, and I was waiting for that bottom to fall out.

At 9:15 pm, Saturday night, it did. This wonderfully talented man who had forced his way into my life, was carjacked, shot multiple times and left for dead in SE Washington DC and suffered from those gunshots 2 hours later. The reports said that he was rushed to Howard Hospital, but died at 11:50 pm. I had just talked to him at 8:03 and was still mad at something he had done the night before, so our conversation was short. Realizing how short it was because I was headed out of the door, I texted him to see if he needed something or was just calling, and he responded that he just wanted to hear my voice and tell me that the new Alicia Keys song, "Like You'll Never See Me Again" reminded him of us. He was doing that all the time... finding songs that reminded him of us. From Carl Thomas' If You Ever to Ne-yo's Can I Say, he found them, which in turn made me find them... Carl Thomas' I Just Thought You Should Know and J Holiday's Suffocate, to name a few.

The next day, I texted him to tell him that I missed him because I hadnt talked to him really since Saturday morning when he came over before work, and I couldnt get this empty feeling out of me. I wanted to tell him that I forgave him and fuss about not getting my daily 6 am call (that I used to HATE), but I never got the chance... and he never saw my text. And now I'm just left with a month's worth of memories of a guy who had a 5 yr old son, a 4 yr old goddaughter, a 16 yr old brother, and a yorkshire named Tinkerbell who all thought the world of him; and thoughts of what could have been between us.

Rest in Peace Montana. I cant even begin to explain to anyone how much I miss you right now. Or how mad I am that our time was cut so short.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/11/18/AR2007111801496.html

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/11/18/AR2007111800330.html