Aint No Feeling Like Being Free...
yeah I'm singing it, Destiny's Child style...Alright, I dont know if you noticed but it's been since the Happy Birthday post last year that I got serious and actually was honest about some things I was going through without some jokes laced in between. Sure, you guys have been on the ride of me throwing the mic down and learning to hip-hop dance, Joy of Motion style; or even when I realized that NY might actually be for me; but I havent been honest about some of the deep personal feelings I've been having.
Well, for this post, I will do that. Maybe it's the month of March that does it to me, since the Happy Birthday post was in March or maybe I'm feeling inspired after reading an old post from a good friend's blog, or maybe I just felt like getting it off my chest and totally reneging on the little blurb you see at the top of the blog saying this will not be my personal diary located on the internet for everyone and their grandmama to see.
Regardless, here are some of my most recent thoughts, worries, concerns... you get the point.
1. There are two things that scare me more than the thought of that commercial that shows the dirt in your bed even after washing the sheets. The first is not achieving in my career. I mean just honestly, I know everyone goes through this, but I think even more so when you're involved in a career thats strictly about subjective creativity, some part of you always wonders... or at least I do: what if I'm not as good as I think I am? Or what if I'm going to be one of those women that goes to work to pay off her student loans (because she chose to go to the grad school that didnt give her a full scholarship instead of the one that did) and not because she LOVES her job? I love what I do, y'all. I really do! To be able to loop certain words and sentences together to the point that someone could be so interested that they would spend their hard-earned money to purchase what you wrote; thats exciting to me. But what if it never happens? I'm not saying I dont have faith, cuz I do... but sometimes I wonder if I'm really on the right path or if writing should have been a hobby, instead of something my livelihood depends on.
2. I was at a meeting recently and one of my guy friends out of no where, says to me, "You know, we gotta find you a man. Why don't you have a man?" First, I'm thinking, how do you know I dont have a man since we've never, ever, ever gotten into that type of conversation before? And second, what makes you think I'm looking? We talked about it and the end comment was me saying that "the right guy would come when he's supposed to. I'm not trying to rush things, it'll happen." And thats what I seem to be telling a lot of people lately, since everyone seems to be asking me these types of questions. More and more, I've found myself telling people that I'm doing me right now; I'm not looking to be with someone; I'm good. And part of that is true. I am very busy right now, working on the first concern... ie, trying to get a JOB. But the other part of me brings me to my second thing that scares me.
Not finding true love. I've been in love 3 times. Or at least I think I have. And each time, there were different circumstances, but the one thing that was the same was that neither one of them loved me back the way I loved them. The first one said he did, but he cheated on me. The second one never, ever, ever did. I dont even know if he even liked me, or if I was just someone to comfort him while he was online for his fraternity. And the third one? Hmmm, the third one still hurts too much to talk about right now. I think this concern has started coming to me more frequently due to a couple different things. a)I'm getting older. No, I'm not 30... but studies all over show that black women as they get older are less likely to find love/ marriage. b) People all around me are either getting engaged, getting married, or finding themselves in longterm relationships. Yes, I realize I have single friends, but I'm not talking about them right now. lol. c) Now that I'm older, I'm able to understand my parents' relationship so much more and while when I was younger, I could say to myself I dont want that and not really know what "that" was... I know now. It's that much more unnerving.
3. But there's a good part to all of this. Even while I worry about my career, I know that I'm a damn good writer. And more importantly, I know God's got my back on this thing. So while I worry, and trust me I've been worrying much more often lately, I still sorta know things will be good. And while I wonder if it'll ever be me thats happy in love (you know, the reciprocal kind), the walls that I put up after the three are starting to fall. After the first two, I was a broken woman for awhile. I dated, and dated, and dated... and then somewhere along the lines I realized I didnt trust anyone. I was always expecting the guy to mess up, and thats why the ones I dated didnt last long. They werent going to get the chance to hurt me like those did. And when # 3 did get the chance and used his chance, that set me back even more. But I spoke to him recently, and you know what? It didnt hurt like it used to. Sure I still missed him, but not in a lay in the bed and cry type of missing... just like a "there used to be something there" type of missing. So I say thats progress! lol. And with that progress, I have hope that my beginning of being FREE from the baggage, but being wise enough to look inside myself and understand where it came from, will mean something good for the future. Until then though, I'll be content in "doing me, not looking, and being good." lol... oh and enjoying being FREE!!!!
Well, for this post, I will do that. Maybe it's the month of March that does it to me, since the Happy Birthday post was in March or maybe I'm feeling inspired after reading an old post from a good friend's blog, or maybe I just felt like getting it off my chest and totally reneging on the little blurb you see at the top of the blog saying this will not be my personal diary located on the internet for everyone and their grandmama to see.
Regardless, here are some of my most recent thoughts, worries, concerns... you get the point.
1. There are two things that scare me more than the thought of that commercial that shows the dirt in your bed even after washing the sheets. The first is not achieving in my career. I mean just honestly, I know everyone goes through this, but I think even more so when you're involved in a career thats strictly about subjective creativity, some part of you always wonders... or at least I do: what if I'm not as good as I think I am? Or what if I'm going to be one of those women that goes to work to pay off her student loans (because she chose to go to the grad school that didnt give her a full scholarship instead of the one that did) and not because she LOVES her job? I love what I do, y'all. I really do! To be able to loop certain words and sentences together to the point that someone could be so interested that they would spend their hard-earned money to purchase what you wrote; thats exciting to me. But what if it never happens? I'm not saying I dont have faith, cuz I do... but sometimes I wonder if I'm really on the right path or if writing should have been a hobby, instead of something my livelihood depends on.
2. I was at a meeting recently and one of my guy friends out of no where, says to me, "You know, we gotta find you a man. Why don't you have a man?" First, I'm thinking, how do you know I dont have a man since we've never, ever, ever gotten into that type of conversation before? And second, what makes you think I'm looking? We talked about it and the end comment was me saying that "the right guy would come when he's supposed to. I'm not trying to rush things, it'll happen." And thats what I seem to be telling a lot of people lately, since everyone seems to be asking me these types of questions. More and more, I've found myself telling people that I'm doing me right now; I'm not looking to be with someone; I'm good. And part of that is true. I am very busy right now, working on the first concern... ie, trying to get a JOB. But the other part of me brings me to my second thing that scares me.
Not finding true love. I've been in love 3 times. Or at least I think I have. And each time, there were different circumstances, but the one thing that was the same was that neither one of them loved me back the way I loved them. The first one said he did, but he cheated on me. The second one never, ever, ever did. I dont even know if he even liked me, or if I was just someone to comfort him while he was online for his fraternity. And the third one? Hmmm, the third one still hurts too much to talk about right now. I think this concern has started coming to me more frequently due to a couple different things. a)I'm getting older. No, I'm not 30... but studies all over show that black women as they get older are less likely to find love/ marriage. b) People all around me are either getting engaged, getting married, or finding themselves in longterm relationships. Yes, I realize I have single friends, but I'm not talking about them right now. lol. c) Now that I'm older, I'm able to understand my parents' relationship so much more and while when I was younger, I could say to myself I dont want that and not really know what "that" was... I know now. It's that much more unnerving.
3. But there's a good part to all of this. Even while I worry about my career, I know that I'm a damn good writer. And more importantly, I know God's got my back on this thing. So while I worry, and trust me I've been worrying much more often lately, I still sorta know things will be good. And while I wonder if it'll ever be me thats happy in love (you know, the reciprocal kind), the walls that I put up after the three are starting to fall. After the first two, I was a broken woman for awhile. I dated, and dated, and dated... and then somewhere along the lines I realized I didnt trust anyone. I was always expecting the guy to mess up, and thats why the ones I dated didnt last long. They werent going to get the chance to hurt me like those did. And when # 3 did get the chance and used his chance, that set me back even more. But I spoke to him recently, and you know what? It didnt hurt like it used to. Sure I still missed him, but not in a lay in the bed and cry type of missing... just like a "there used to be something there" type of missing. So I say thats progress! lol. And with that progress, I have hope that my beginning of being FREE from the baggage, but being wise enough to look inside myself and understand where it came from, will mean something good for the future. Until then though, I'll be content in "doing me, not looking, and being good." lol... oh and enjoying being FREE!!!!
posted by Darby | 3:14 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home